Dear Alexa:

I finally got to express my feelings.

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I don't want to get into this with you. It's not something that's really worth my time - petty, middle-schoolish fights with you and Jesi. I'm not mad over it, you know, but Rena was. She asked me to do it, and I'm not saying be mad at Rena, but know your facts. She read everything I wrote before I sent it and agreed with most of it, and on top of that, I treat Rena to the best of my abilities. She upsets me as much as I upset her and you can't comprehend how much I love her... she's my everything and I want to give her the world. I want her to be happy. I know what you think and I know what Jesi thinks, I know you both want her with Tyler but it's not... going to happen. She may have feelings for him... but to the best of my knowledge those feelings aren't exactly returned (and if they are, I gave her the oppurtunity to be with him.) I'm not forcing her to be in this relationship... I try to treat her as well as I can. I don' like excuses, they're immature, and I know this is going to sound like one but I'm sick, and off of my medication I'm extremely unstable. Rena makes me better, better than I've ever been and I can't live without her. I know I seem angry and bitchy but I'm just so scared of losing her and so sick of people trying to tak her from me. She's my everything, my all, I want to give her everything she deservesand everything she wants. I want her to tell me when she's unhappy and talk to me when she's upset... I want her to open up instead of bottling things inside or ranting to you. I don't handle things well, I know that. I know I don't deserve her, but she's mine... and as long as she wants me, I'm hers. I'll treat her right, I'll make sure she's happy and I'm sorry that I haven't treated her the best, but I'm trying and I'm changing for her because she's just that kind of amazing... I'm just so tired of you and Jesi making jokes like that. I'm insecure - but I'm fourteen (almost fifteen) and I'm allowed to be, even though I may be a smidge bit mature for my age. I'm sorry. She knows how sorry I am, how much I wish I could take back every mean thing and every harsh word I've ever said to her but I can't. I can only try to work from here, to be the best me I can be and help her be the best. All I want for her is her happiness, and it's selfish but I want more than anything to be included in that. I may seem clingy a lot but if you've ever had a long distance relationship, you know how scary it is to think that they could possibly ever exist without you... She takes over my entire being, she is.... the air I breathe and the stars in my sky, she is the reason my heart keeps breathing and I'm so scared that without her, I'll die. I'm so scared she's going to decide that Jesi or Tyler are better for her and I get shaky and queasy if I don't hear her voice for too long. She's my addiction in every sense of the word... I just wish you knew how much I love her and how I wish I could treat her like a princess, how she deserves.And, if you're still reading this (which I hope you are) I would never, ever, ever call you a bad friend. You're honest with her and call me on my shit and get her upset - which isn't all together a bad thing - so I change and become better for her.You've been there for her through everything and you've never abandoned her and I'm sorry if Jesi told you I said that all of you are bad friends because you're not. You also have to understand that, with Jesi, I only know what i hear and I don't have any room to find out otherwise. I only know what Rena tells me and like... if you love someone as much as I love her and someone is continually just trying... or it seems like trying... to take them from you... wouldn't you get upset? I don't want there to be tension or harsh feelings between us because as far as I know... Rena is not going to choose... and I want us all to co-exist in harmony. Tell Jesi, that I'm sorry that I made judgements that (may or may not be) true. But please, please understand that I only made those assumptions because of the things Rena tells me. (Maybe a part of her is like me and likes to see me get jealous because she wants to see how much I love her, and I just have a hard time letting things go.) I just... I want you to know that I'm going to treat her as well as I can and maybe I fuck up sometimes but everybody does... She's way too good for me, Alexa, and I know that more than anything. I just... I'd like it so much... if Jesi didn't joke like that, because I'm so jealous and so insecure and that makes for a clingy Madi and an unhappy Rena. We've finally reached the perfect ammount of balance in our lives and I just... I want it to stay that way. I want to be able to make her happy. Please understand?

I'm sorry this is so long.

Sincerely,
Madi.