i'm not pretty, isn't it a pitty

I'm just, not okay lately. I don't know. I'm never really okay... but today it's worse than normal. Lately it's worse than normal. I can't control my moods - one second I'm okay, one second I'm smiling, and the next I'm angry and then next I'm crying. I don't understand what's going on with me, and all I know is that no matter how much I'd like to save my girlfriend from this I know she wouldn't let me. Because to save her from this, I'd have to leave her. I'd have to stop talking to her. i'd have to sever all contact with her, and I know before I even try that this isn't going to happen.

I don't want to put her through this but I don't know what the hell else I'm supposed to do. Because even though I always just want what's best for her, she never sees it that way. she never sees the truth in my actions and even though it might hurt her i just want her to fucking be OKAY and be HAPPY. And she's not those things with me, not when I'm like this. I know that for a fact.

i'm not okay... plain and simple.