This queasy-gut feeling. I'm sure it's love.

Not really, though, because I don't know anything. About what I want or who I need or who I even want really. I don't know what's best for me, I don't know who loves me or who I love honestly and truly. I don't know if I'm going to make it through this alive on my own or if someone will have to pull me through it kicking and screaming. There's a pain in my chest because I fucked up. Because I did something bad and it's throwing my world out of balance. I'm not sure if my love is... my love anymore. I'm not sure if I'm really who I want to be or where I want to be. I'm confused out of my mind. And this isn't good for me because God only knows how madly in love with him I've always been.

Him.

Not her.

But I love her too.

This is a whirlwind of emotions and I guess whoever's going to face it with me is the one who loves me most. Who I should be with. And when I think back on it now, I know who's going to face it with me. Her. Rena. Marena. Not him. Because he runs at the first sign of trouble, and he only loves me when... He comes and goes. She's here, she's solid. Like back pain. except she doesn't cause me to take tylenol to sleep.

If he tries to stick this out with me... which I'm sure he won't ("You need to stay committed to her. I love you, but this isn't right... for either of us."), but if he does, I don't know if I'm going to make it. She's my Eloise and he's my Ryan. Who does Grace ultimately end up with?

Anyways...

I is for I Don't Care by Fall Out Boy. Ironically, these lyrics fit almost exactly how I feel right now: I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.

Love,
Madi.

PS: Starshine, it won't happen again. If it comes down to me having to choose, I will. I just don't know who (99.9% you, so you don't have to worry much.)